Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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