it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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