I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
