I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He did a backflip because drugs
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
