Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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