i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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