I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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