You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
