Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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