So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
