My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
