Soap is not a condiment
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
