its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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