Pants 0. Shit 1.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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