You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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