well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
