Plan B is the new Plan A
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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