dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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