dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
