I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
