im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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