when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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