I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
