community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize