Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
