It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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