I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
