I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
