We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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