when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
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