i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
