you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
