where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
