bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
