we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
