sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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