I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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