i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
