going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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