1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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