cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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