P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Randomize
