when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
