how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Enjoy the penises
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
