i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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