sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You're like the curious george of whores
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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