the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
