They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
