Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
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