i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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