you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Liz is crying about burritos again.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
