I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize