I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
