A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
