he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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